She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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