My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
