You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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