Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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