Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
