i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
