Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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