You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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