Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
