I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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