the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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