I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
