Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize