Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
