Girls should come with a carfax report
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
