then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
