dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
