I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
