dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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