Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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