dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found puke in my bra..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
