could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
