everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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