Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
