If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
