He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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