I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
