Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
