he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I checked into jail on foursquare
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
