She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
