The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You made out with two different species that night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
