Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
