the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
