i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
