I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
