i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
