so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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