After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
