Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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