I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
