I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize
