My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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