i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
