the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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