How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
