Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
