I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
