Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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