i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
