Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
