Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
