So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
