I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
