If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
