If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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