do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
