I'm eating all of the evidence.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
