I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
pray to the hookup gods
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
